 If you remember my review on 'Hitman' you might recall that, and I quote, "I just plain didn't care". 'Hitman' was extremely average as an action flick, and felt a bit more like a movie within a movie. To top that all off, it was also a game collection never took any interest in. I think I had a demo for the first one, tried it, and it was just like these movies - okay at best. What can I say? It was another popular title I didn't quite latch on to. But once again, reviewing this as more as its own movie than a movie based on a game, it all just lands on one simple non-word - "meh".
Going a bit more into Agent 47's origins, we learn (again?) that 47 (Rupert Friend - because Timothy Olyphant had better things to do) is a genetically enhanced super soldier who was created by a geneticist named Dr. Petr Litvenko (Ciarán Hinds). 47 becomes a hitman for the fictional ICA (International Contracts Agency) after Litvenko abandons the project due to a guilty conscience. For the last few years, 47 has been on the trail of Litvenko's daughter, Katia (Hannah Ware). Scared for her life, and cursed with a superhuman awareness of the world around her, she goes along with a man named John Smith (Zachary Quinto), who offers her protection. In the meantime, there is a group of mercenaries, led by a man named Delriego (Rolf Kanies) trying to find Litvenko in an attempt to recreate the Agent program for their own selfish means. Also, when it comes to Katia, she is searching for an unnamed man who may or may not have more of a connection to her than she could imagine - in fact, so does Agent 47. And with all that said, what can I say? I probably cared about this one even less than the first. I can't quite put my finger on what it is about 'Hitman' that I can't seem to get into, but much like I said in my last 'Hitman' review - it's simply not for me. Considering a lot of the video game titles I do like, that is honestly pretty strange, but here we are. To keep it plain and simple, this is another example of a movie that uses other movies to piece itself together. Although I must admit that the film didn't have my full attention, there are hints of the first couple of 'Terminator' movies going on here, along with... well, more of the same of the previous film. As far as action flicks go, it's kind of generic, and there's nothing here that really holds my attention. In fact, in trying to remember bits about the first film at this point, even though my review was recent enough, I've already forgotten most of what happened. There are other video game movies - some of the even worse in quality than this - that can hold my attention better, and I can manage to keep good memories of. Sometimes they're flat out bad movies, but at least they are entertaining in a cheesy way ('Street Fighter' being my prime example).In my opinion, on a shelf of video game movies, these flicks would be titles that I'd completely overlook in search of something else I could have more fun with. The funny thing is, these movies aren't even that terrible, they're just all-out forgettable. They're another fine example of movies you should throw your brain out the window to enjoy. However, I should probably mention that the "brain out the window" thing can only go so far. This didn't feel, to me, something I could look back on and have fun with, re-watching it and laughing with some friends. 'Super Mario Bros', 'Street Fighter', 'Mortal Kombat', they all have that corny quality where we see that they're pretty bad, but we still have a good time because it's all so dumb. This is more a matter of it being an action flick for a boring Sunday afternoon when you're super bored. If action movies were cups of coffee, this would be a small, regular - average at best, not enough to be memorable, and something you'd "drink" for a little pick me up as opposed to your glorious morning cup. 2/5
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 When I get thinking about one-on-one fighting games, my go-to titles were always 'Mortal Kombat' and 'Street Fighter' (namely 'MK'). When it comes to games like 'Tekken', I have really only played it either at a friend's house, or at the arcade. I never really developed skill enough to have my go-to characters, or really know any moves other than basics. I just saw it as pure arcade fun for a couple of dollars worth of gaming, if I had time to hang out in the arcade after catching a movie, or shopping. So once again, my knowledge of what this is supposed to be isn't abundant. However I will say this - I actually enjoyed it.
This film was released in 2009, following the releases of six games in the main series, ranging from 1995 all the way up to 2007. There was also 'Tag Tournament' in '99, and 'Dark Resurrection' in '05. So with eight games in the franchise altogether, it seems that this one took quite some time, and may have felt rather "too little too late" for fans. For me, however, this might as well be a whole new thing for me, as I haven't even visited a 'Tekken' game since 'Tag Tournament' over 20 years ago. I basically forgot everything I ever had any knowledge of with the games. Having said that, the film is said to be loosely based on elements of the first three 'Tekken' games, and follows Jin Kazama (Jonathan Patrick Foo), who first appears in 'Tekken 3', as the lead character. Raised by his mother, Jun (Tamlyn Tomita), he learns martial arts, and believes his father to be dead. Once he hits 19 in the year 2039, he begins living his life as a fighter and contraband runner in a place called The Anvil. One night, Jin gets himself targetted by an elite specs group known as the Jackhammers, who are there to ensure the safety of The Anvil. Upon returning home, he finds his mother has been killed by the Jackhammers, and he swears vengeance against a man named Heihachi Mishima (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa). In order to do so, to keep it basic, he has to climb the ladder at the Tekken tournament as an "Iron Fist Fighter". So, much like with 'Mortal Kombat', this ends up being a pretty good adaptation in as much as it's about a character fighting through a tournament to get to, and defeat that final boss. Surely, one must be wondering what other 'Tekken' characters join this cast, so it's probably time for another roll call, as done in my 'Mortal Kombat' and 'Street Fighter' reviews. Well, there's a lot, so I'll simplify as much as I can. On the main stage, we have Steve Fox (Luke Goss), a former boxer and Iron Fist fighter who becomes Jin's sponsor, Christie Monteiro (Christie Monteiro), who Jin more than befriends at the tournament, Heihachi's son, Kazuya Mishima (Ian Anthony Dale), and to a lesser extent, the tournament's present champion, Bryan Fury (Gary Daniels). But it's not really like they cut a lot of characters out of this either. Just featured in fighting, there's also Marshall Law (Cung Le), Raven (Darrin Dewitt Henson), Eddy Gordo (Lateef Crowder), Miguel Rojo (Roger Huerta), Nina Williams (Candice Hillebrand), Yoshimitsu (Gary Ray Stearns), Anna Williams (Marian Zapico), Sergei Dragunov (Anton Kasabov), Miguel Rojo (Roger Huerta), and I may have even left one or two out. Although my overall unfamiliarity with these games certainly plays a part in my review, I can't really deny that this was a movie I didn't expect to like, but enjoyed anyway, just because of its simplicity. This was like 'Mortal Kombat' in that sense. I can't honestly say I expected much more than what I got, and I enjoyed the fact that the soundtrack and set design actually gave it a bit of an arcade-like feeling that I can't really explain. It's really quite simple - I had fun with this. Stylistically, it was kind of like watching a long music video, the fight sequences were pretty damn cool, and I actually found Jin to be a character I could route for. But I will say that I'm making it sound more awesome than it actually is. I mean, it's certainly not without a problem or two. The things that weigh this movie down quite a bit include, mostly, the acting, and probably what they do with all of the characters. I'm no expert, but when a one-on-one fighting game becomes a movie, the studio seems to really like to take liberties. If Balrog and E. Honda working on a news crew in 'Street Fighter' doesn't suggest that, I dunno what does. I'm altogether unfamiliar with this group, but I have to imagine they screwed up here and there. I would probably consider this a guilty pleasure of sorts, speaking for myself. Sometimes a dude just needs to watch other dudes beat each other up. Add a revenge plot to the whole thing, and I'm good to go for that little bit of junk food for the mind. This can be found on Amazon Prime, if one is curious to see for themselves. Just bear in mind, I'm DEFINITELY against the grain on my positive review! So if you end up hating it, don't blame moi. 3/5  Some of you may recall my review on 'Street Fighter'. While I only gave it a 2/5, I admit, pretty openly, that it's one of my favourite video game movies in existence, due to how much of a guilty pleasure it is. One can tell that it's not taking itself too seriously, and as a result, things get pretty ridiculous and it's actually a lot of fun in the right frame of mind. But then we have this; an apparent tie-in with the far less familiar (to me) 'Street Fighter IV'. If you don't like the original film, compare it to this, and it might as well be 'Schindler's List'.
This apparent spin-off of 'Street Fighter IV' (at least as far as characters go) tells us about popular 'Street Fighter' character Chun-Li's origins. As a kid (Inez Yan), she moves to Hong Kong with her family. She studies to be a concert pianist, and learns the art of Wushu from her father, Xiang (Edmund Chen). One day, the family is attacked by two members of the shady criminal organization, the Shadaloo; M. Bison (Neal McDonough), and Balrog (Michael Clarke Duncan). They kidnap Xiang, haul him away, and the next time we see her, she's grown up (Kristin Kreuk) and has since become a skilled pianist after all these years. At the end of a concert in which she performs, she is given a mysterious scroll. We don't quite know what its about, but just to add to the drama, Chun-Li also loses her mother to cancer. In the meantime, we have two different stories going on that really like to drag us away from Chun-Li. On one side, Bison plans to control the Shadaloo organization, and we see him get his henchman, Vega (Taboo of the Black Eyed Peas) to kill one of the shareholders. We also see that Xiang is now working for him. On the other side of this coin is Interpol agent, Charlie Nash (Chris Klein, in one of his best overacting roles ever) and detective Maya Sunee (Moon Bloodgood... shit that's a cool, vampiric sounding name), Nash after Bison for quite some time now. Eventually, this all boils down to Chun-Li, of course, having to find Bison and rescue her father, with the... help? of Nash and Sunee. And listen, if I have that a little bit wrong, it's because I had a hard time paying attention. The film is narrated in such a soft and lifeless voice (which I believe is still Kreuk, but I'm not 100% on that) it's enough to make you want to sleep. The casting is also pretty ridiculous, and with Kreuk being cast as a Chinese woman, it has been accused of white-washing. To be fair, however, she is half-Chinese, half-Dutch, apparently, so I can find at least a bit of leeway there. But I'm only speaking for myself. Having said that, she's a fine example of a time the original film did much better casting for the character with Ming-Na Wen. And speaking of that, the most ridiculous casting here has to be McDonough's Bison. The attitude is right, but the look, and the psychopathic expressions are missing that Raul Julia provided in spades. Neither of these 'Street Fighter' adaptations are good, but I can return to the original for a laugh and a touch of nostalgia, whereas there's nothing here for me... except Klein's overacting, which is hilarious. Some may recall that I once reviewed this for my "Film Negatives", and nothing has changed in my overall opinion. To put it bluntly, this is just terrible inside and out. Bad casting, bad acting, bad writing, bad execution altogether. This was another one that didn't last in theaters for any significant amount of time, and it's really no surprise. At the end of the day, I'd still highly recommend the 1994 film over this, even if the 1994 film is totally ridiculous. I stand by my opinion - one can still have a lot of fun with how goofy it actually is. This falls flat, and doesn't really recover, even in the guilty pleasure way. 1/5  While I would consider this to be an all-out forgettable title, I have to admit that upon re-watching it (for the first time since its theatrical release in 2008), there are elements about it that I do enjoy. Of course, that's speaking for it as its own thing. As an adaptation, they got a few things right, but one thing that makes it suffer is a fairly strange addition; a bunch of demons making people freak out during hallucinations (I know, right? It's like "what?"). It's understandable that fans didn't receive this one very well, but there is a dark, stylistic tone about this I enjoy. It reminded me of 'Sin City' a lot of the time.
The original game, released back in 2001, follows DEA agent and former NYPD officer, Max Payne as he hunts around for whoever was responsible for his wife and kid's death. The same someone has also framed Max for the murder of Alex Balder; his former partner when he was still a cop. As the game continues, he gets help from characters like the suave Russian mobster, Vladimir Lem, and a vigilante named Mona Sax, out for her own revenge for the death of her sister. Eventually things lead to conspiracies involving a drug called Valkyr (or "V"), and it all connects to Max's family's fate. The game is a third person shooter, and was very well received upon its release by critics and fans alike. It spawned two sequels, ending with 'Max Payne 3' in 2012, and no one seems to really seem to care about it ever making a comeback (no one I know personally, anyway). The film is altogether similar. Payne (Mark Wahlberg) is still an NYPD detective here, assigned to the Cold Case unit. We eventually learn, much like in the game, that his wife, Michelle and daughter, Rose were both murdered, and that this is another revenge film. When an acquaintance of one of Payne's informants is murdered, Payne ends up suspect number one due to a critical piece of evidence. We further learn that this acquaintance is the sister of Mona Sax (Mila Kunis); a freelance assassin. They soon end up after the same person, and much like in the game, conspiracies unfold, and a drug known as Valkyr is also present. It's basically supposed to be some kind of super soldier serum when it works right, but if not, the user experiences massive hallucinations involving "Valkyries". By the way, if you want to know what a Valkyrie should look like, 'Thor 3'. NOT this! This just makes them out to be demons of some kind. Now, those who know me well know that I generally object to the idea of turning certain games into movies. I'm all for ideas you can play around with, like redoing 'Super Mario Bros' and actually doing it right. But when it comes to something like 'The Last of Us', or something that has a singular story flowing through it already, I see it as remaking an interactive movie that already exists. I don't care who knows it, I still think a 'Last of Us' movie is a terrible idea. But I digress. The point is, 'Max Payne' is a pretty good example of one of the times I've felt like that. I feel differently about things like 'Resident Evil' because I see it as a separate thing, inspired by the games, rather than a direct adaptation of any kind. This was a bit of a cut and paste job, and its enough that its differences stand out a bit more than they should. I'm not sure I'd claim this as being necessarily bad, but it's definitely forgettable. It's also a movie that's sort of hard to take seriously these days, knowing that Wahlberg and Kunis starred as a comedic couple in 'Ted'; one of my favourite comedies that I've seen about a million times. I was honestly waiting for a joke to pop up half the time I was watching their interactions here. The real treat here is the films noir atmosphere and cinematography, and that's one thing from the game they sort of nailed here. On the whole, this isn't great, but I'd actually consider it to be barely passable as long as you're not attached to the game. This is a "2", but it's a high "2". If you are attached to these games, on the other hand, just skip it. All it'll do it bug you. 2/5  Once again, here we have a game in which I have never dabbled, nor do I have many friends who have ever talked about it. As far as I have researched, however, the games largely deal in stealth. Starting with 2000's 'Hitman: Codename 47', the games are semi-open world, third person, and the aim is to eliminate the targets assigned to you, being as stealthy as possible. They feature a cloned hitman known only as Agent 47, who works for the fictional ICA (International Contract Agency), and was genetically engineered to be amazing at his job - seen as the world's best assassin.
The film certainly takes some of these elements, but I find things do get a little more convoluted than they really needed to. To confess, it may have been a bit of a lack of interest on my part, but I found myself confused from time to time while watching this, having to look up the Wiki synopsis just to get back on track. It's another movie where I can easily see others getting more out of it than I did, because for some reason, I just never got into this series... which is super weird, because playing stealthily is one of my favourite ways to play, ever since I played 'Manhunt', which actually came out three years after 'Codename 47'. Anyway, concerning the plot, we open with the image of a group of young boys at some facility getting barcode tattoos on the back of their shaved heads, which 'Dark Angel' did first, but I digress. These guys are trained in all sorts of specialties like unarmed combat, weaponry, demolitions etc. This is something we've seen a bunch of times at this point, most recently with 'Black Widow' - kids trained from a young age to become assassins. We then fast-forward to present day where Interpol agent Mike Whittier (Dougray Scott) runs into Agent 47 (Timothy Olyphant) who holds him at gunpoint, and they discuss 47's life, raised and trained to be a pro hitman by a group known as "The Organization". We then go back three months earlier, when after completing a job, 47 is contacted by his handler, Diana Burnwood (Lisa Ray-Jacobs) to take out Russian President, Mikhail Belicoff (Ulrich Thomsen). 47 seemingly carries out this task, but is later contacted and told that the attempt failed. He is then to take out the apparent witness to his attempt, Nika (Olga Kurylenko), who also happens to be Belicoff's mistress. Soon enough, 47 realizes that he has been setup, and a body double for Belicoff is trying to take things over, and they find themselves on the run from the Organization who seems to be behind everything. Like I said though, I was confused through much of this, and by the time it was over, I just plain didn't care. I can't quite put my finger on why, but this wasn't for me, despite its total potential. I think for yours truly, much of the problem lies in that whole backstory of training assassins from childhood, seemingly against their will. The real difference here is that 47 is still working for The Organization rather than being that one hero who escapes their mad clutches. Otherwise, it's not something I'd say is necessarily bad, but I'd suggest that it wasn't quite for me. I cannot put my finger on it, but for some reason I completely seem to lack an interest for anything 'Hitman'. It sounds like a series that would be up my alley. But I suppose it lies in the characters - I just don't care about anyone here. 47 is an asshole, Nika is full of herself, and this feels like a situation where you have no idea who you should be routing for. So, while It's definitely not my favourite video game movie, I may yet suggest that it's passable for others. As mentioned earlier, my knowledge on these games is slim to none, so whether or not they got various things right here is beyond me. I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record saying stuff like that, but there's a lot ahead that I'm probably going to feel the same about, so my readers may want to get used to it. As a stand-alone movie (treating this a little more like 'Resident Evil') this isn't that bad, it's just not something I'm particularly into. It's got solid action and atmosphere, and Olyphant plays things pretty darkly here, which I appreciate. But the plot is seemingly all over the place, and there was nothing that really absorbed me into things. Consider this one on the higher end of its overall rating. 2/5  Back in the late 90s, one thing that surrounded video games and a lot of gamers had to fight against was controversy. It all seemingly started with 'Mortal Kombat' and its blood, let alone its fatalities, but has since evolved into a sort of point of acceptance... I mean, sort of. But the point is, games are a hell of a lot more violent and shocking than they were back then. Either way, for the time (1997), 'Postal' was among the more controversial titles. It sort of came and went, and I didn't think much of it over the years until just now. Of course, with Uwe Boll behind the wheel, yet again, I knew I was in for a "treat".
First, a little history - the first game sees a man evicted from his home, and fights his way to a US Air Force Base, believing they are releasing poison gas in his town, and that he has an immunity to it. The game was pretty damn famous for its violence and "WTF" moments in general, and became something of a cult classic among PC gamers. The film evidently has a bit more to do with the second title, which takes on a bit more of an 'InFamous' style, where The Postal Dude has to accomplish a bunch of daily tasks as peacefully, or as violently as the player chooses. Of course, it didn't fare too well with its controversial ideas either, including using a cat as a silencer, which is paid tribute to here. Like the games the film is based on, 'Postal' is all about controversy. The film opens with what "really" happened during the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The terrorists are told there aren't enough virgins to go around after they carry out their task, so decide to ditch the plan and reroute to the Bahamas. That's when a group of passengers busts in and sends the plane crashing into the World Trade Center, offering a gigantic middle finger to any victims involved in the tragedy that occurred about six years earlier than the film's release. So from the get-go, I felt a little uncomfortable about reviewing this. While you can tell it's not to be taken seriously, it's very hard not to cringe at some of the terrible jokes here. The film is representative of that kid in school who tries incredibly hard to be cool by saying and doing nasty things. Taking place in present day (again, 2007) Paradise, Arizona, a man only known as The Postal Dude (Zack Ward) is living a life of crap. His wife (Jodie Stewart) is openly cheating on him, he's having no luck at job interviews, and he just wants to make some cash to leave town forever. He teams up with his Uncle Dave (Dave Foley); a cult leader who owes the government a hefty sum in back taxes, to hijack a shipment of "Krotchy Dolls". What's a Krotchy Doll? Essentially just a plush penis with scrotum, evidently very rare, sought after, and valued highly on the black market, fetching as much as $4,000 per doll. Meanwhile, Osama bin Laden (Larry Thomas) has the same hijacking plan, but intends to infect the dolls with Bird Flu before their distribution. Anyway, paths cross, shit happens, and it becomes just as offensive as it sounds. This is one moment where I am going to cut Boll a teeny, tiny bit of slack... Not enough that he can do anything with, but there is something I can't deny about this movie. It's almost so fascinatingly messed up and bad that I could consider this the ultimate "so bad, it's good" film in the Boll collection. There's no stiff acting, no boredom, no terrible narration, it's just a movie that's trying very hard to be as messed up as it can be. It's big problem is that it thinks its being satire as opposed to what it is - just plain offensive, and even kind of insulting. But I can't deny I had a few random laughs here and there. None of that was towards anything particularly offensive, racist or whatever else. But there were bits of dialogue that caught me off guard, like being in a job interview and being asked "what is he difference between a duck?" I don't know why, but random, silly things like that just get to me. At the end of the day, this becomes one video game based movie I kind of want to show all of my bad movie loving friends. It's not enough to call it a guilty pleasure, because you feel pretty uncomfortable about some of the things they deem funny here. But like I said before, it's just fascinating. It's one of those things you might watch and wonder how they got away with a lot of it. For example, a baby carriage gets hit with a vehicle here. It happens in 'Speed', but ends up being full of cans, and funny in a "holy shit" kind of way. There's no reveal here though. This carriage just gets hit, and we have no clue what might be in it, suggesting a baby is entirely probable. This is one messed up movie, but I almost recommend it just based on the amount of "WTF" I saw... coming from me, that's saying a lot. 2/5 |
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