Quite a long time ago now, this was dubbed the "Best Worst Movie," thanks to a documentary of the same name. For the time (circa 2009) this title pretty much took the cake as the worst movie ever made, but still had stiff competition with movies like 'The Room,' 'Manos' and 'Plan 9.' I'd probably say that at this point, everyone has torn this movie apart, and there's really nothing I can possibly say that hasn't been said before. As a result, I'm actually taking a bit of a different approach to things here (though I'm sure this stuff has been said before as well). At the time it was revealed to the masses, it was indeed seen as one of the worst movies ever made. It still is a low-budget epic fail of a movie, but I challenge people to re-watch this today AS a sort of satirical horror comedy. Something in the same vein as 'Pshyco Goreman,' or 'Dead Alive.' To be clear, that's NOT what this is, but if you view it as such, it's actually a hell of a lot more fun! You even come to realize that there had to be some of this written for comedic purposes, and it really is still one of the funniest "bad" movies out there, in my humble opinion. With all that said, let's get into a lot of what my readers already know about this movie, just for the sake of the few who might not know what this is all about. Michael Waits (George Hardy) arranges a home exchange vacation to try his hand at farming in a small community known as (say it with me, folks) Nilbog for a month. Spoiler alert: "Nilbog" is "Goblin" spelled backwards! Anyway, he and his family eventually arrive, including wife, Diana (Margo Prey), daughter, Holly (Connie Young), and son with the gift to communicate with his dead Grandpa Seth (Robert Ormsby), Joshua (Michael Paul Stephenson). Gramps warns Joshua about the goblins who dwell in Nilbog, who turn humans into plant-life using weird, green food so they can feast on them. By the way, Grandpa can communicate with Joshua, and seems to even have the ability to freeze time so that Josh can "piss on hospitality" (that's urinate on his family's food to prevent them from eating it) but can't think of any other way to prevent the family from going to Nilbog. I can't remember if there's any reason for this, but still... we don't HAVE to pee on food here. Meanwhile, Holly is being the worst kind of girlfriend imaginable with her boyfriend, Elliot Cooper (Jason Wright) because he spends too much time with his friends and not her, and even goes so far as to accuse him of being gay because of it. There's a whole lot of "them, or me" going on, and it gets kinda brutal. Said friends play the typical batch of horror meat ready to be delivered to the villain - in this case, a crazy plant lady named Creedence Leonore Gielgud (Deborah Reed). Creedence is pretty much the Mother of the Goblins here, and uses a magic stone from Stonehenge to give goblins power. One by one, she takes people in to eventually become food for the goblins with some pretty hilarious results. I mean, let's face it, if you've been on the internet in the past fifteen years or so, you'll have recognized the first accompanying review pic of poor Arnold (Darren Ewing) even if you haven't seen the movie. It's a picture you can hear: "OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!" Apart from the aforementioned famous scene, one of the corniest (literally) attacks on one of these kids involves corn on the cob and sex, and NOT in any way you might imagine. It's actually quite PG-13 when it all goes down, but I find it one of the funniest moments in the movie BECAUSE it's so ridiculous. And I mean, that's just one of those moments. There are so many to this movie, it's crazy. And in all honesty, that's the movie's charm. This is actually more entertaining to me that something like 'Manos', which is just plain bad. This, at least, has a good chunk of cringy humour to go with it, making it all the more fun. So that brings me back to my original point of maybe giving this a shot again, but looking at it as more of a low-budget comedy than a low-budget horror. Don't get me wrong, this belongs on the list of "worst movies ever made," but changing the way you see something can sometimes be beneficial, and I'd say 'Troll 2' is a great example of such a thing. I mean, just look at those goblin costumes, but instead of imagining the film taking them seriously, imagine that they're part of the comedy of it all because they look so damn funny.
If you're one of the very few people who hasn't seen this yet, and like a good bad movie, this is easily one of the best, even after all this time. However, it does have stiff competition with a lot out there these days, in the same category. I'd say its well-balanced as a back-to-back with something more like 'The Room,' in which it's altogether hilarious and not JUST bad. Anyway, I know this isn't much that hasn't been said before, but it's my take on it. And the biggest lingering question it has left me with is as simple as they come... why in the hell is it called 'Troll 2?' 2/5
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In his sole directorial feature, production designer Perry Andelin Blake (who works primarily on Adam Sandler films), the man works with what writers Dana Carvey ('The Dana Carvey Show' and various 'SNL' skits) and Harris Goldberg ('Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo') give him, and it all boils down to one of the saddest collaborative efforts in comedy to exist since the turn of the century. This is a film that, at best, will appeal to kids who don't quite know what makes a movie good or bad yet. It's insanely silly, there's not much to it, and the laughs are minimal at best. The whole thing makes me think of something to turn on to entertain hyperactive kids that one might be babysitting. Almost all of its humour is based on a combination of senseless chattering accents, bad impressions, a dash of racism and a running gag that involves laughing and farting which may only be remotely funny in its execution up to twice, and that's being generous and having a bit of an open mind about it. When all said and done, this turns out to be something of a disaster suggesting that most of the people who feature within the film were after not much more than an easy paycheck. We open things with someone who definitely doesn't belong in a film like this, James Brolin as Fabbrizio Disguisey; a secret agent known as a "Master of Disguise" with, possibly, the laziest last name ever created. We witness him disguised as Bo Derek, undergoing a mission to stop smuggler Devlin Bowman (Brent Spiner) in his tracks. Not wanting this life for his infant son, Pistachio (c'mon guys, seriously?), however, he keeps things a secret from him for twenty-three years. In the meantime, he sets up an Italian restaurant with his growing son and wife (Edie McClurg) and life is... fine. Eventually, however, Bowman and a few of his henchmen arrive to kidnap Fabbrizio and his wife (who really doesn't need to be a part of anything here at all) with the plan to use Fabbrizio's mastery of disguises in order to reestablish Bowman's smuggling ring, which is all about finding famous artifacts from around the world and adding them to a collection. Fabbrizio transforms into various celebrities to accomplish such things and NONE of it makes sense. For example they hand over the Apollo 11 Lunar Module to his disguised as Jessica Simpson just because Jessica Simpson is who she is. It's ridiculous. Anyway, the now-grown Pistachio (Dana Carvey) is a bit stuck on what to do about this situation, which is where his Grandfather (Harold Gould) comes in. He teaches Pistachio of his lineage, suggesting that in order to find his Mom and Dad, he must also become a "Master of Disguise" and begins training him in the "arts". Pistachio finally nails it when he takes on the disguise of one of the most offensive, stereotypical portrayals of an Indian snake-charmer. If the silliness of things hasn't gotten to the viewer before this, this bad impression probaby will. Pistachio's Granfather suggests that he should probably have some sort of assistant for his mission, and eventually they land on Jennifer Baker (Jennifer Esposito), who happens to be the mother of a kid named Barney (Austin Wolff), whom Pistachio has a friendly raport with before he meets the kid's mother, which raises all sorts of red flags. Thankfully, nothing comes across as truly creepy with it, but still, it's pretty suggestive when Pistachio tries to intoduce Barney and Jennifer to each other. It's also worth mentioning that Jennifer is hired here despite not having a big butt, which seems to be some sort of qualification for the job. What the film all boils down to is, essentially, annoying guy who's trying way too hard to be funny has to find his kidnapped parents and stop a smuggler from collecting artifacts from around the world. The entire time, he is accompanied by the mother of a kid he has something of a creepy friendship with, and she, of course, eventually, impossibly falls for him. It's topped with a terrible sense of humour that only a kid might find funny, and a curious amount of solid names that don't feel right in a movie this awful. I really do try not to be an asshole of a critic in my reviews, but this is definitely an hour and twenty minutes of your time best spent elsewhere. To be constructive, I think it just got far too silly and over the top to actually find funny. Nothing here is subtle; case in point, his most famous Turtle disguise. Apart from that, any amount of racism or sexism needs to be chopped, because even if it was barely passible for a different time in 2002, none of it would fly today, making a bad movie even worse.
I've never once read a positive review on this, and I'm not about to make an exceptions on the matter. The very best this movie could possibly do is to go back to what I mentioned before. Kids who are just after something silly could potentially appreciate it. But even then, they might learn a thing or two that they really shouldn't. The film is damn near untouchable in the same sense a used Kleenex would be. So do yourself a favour, and if you wanna see Dana Carvey be funny, watch some 'Wayne's World' instead! 1/5 Neil Breen is a pretty fascinating character, having directed, starred in, written and independently produced a total of six films that have gained a cult following over the years in the same way movies like 'The Room' have. This one is among the more famous of the bunch, but if you're like me and love watching train-wrecks such as this, his other titles include 'Double Down', 'I Am Here... Now', 'Pass Thru', 'Twisted Pair' and 'Cade: The Tortured Crossing'. This is a man trying to make some real artsy stuff, but all it does is leave one flabbergasted. I have yet to see any of Breen's other fine works of cinema, but I can say in all honesty that this is by far one of the most accidentally hilarious films I've ever seen. Actually, in many ways it reminds me of 'The Room' as far as it being something that's trying to be taken as a serious drama, but it can't possibly be taken seriously with how god-awful everything about it it. It also creates the same happy accident 'The Room' did in that the film is actually entertaining as hell, we'd come out to a group screening of it just for a fun and pay for it but for all the wrong reasons. The plot of this thing is ultimately confusing and all over the place, but with the help of Wiki's write-up on it, I'll try my best to explain whatever the hell is going on with this thing. It all opens far in the past where we meet young, 8-year-old versions of our lead, Dylan (Jack Batoni) and a girl he seems smitten with named Leah (Brianna Borden). They have a "magical summer" together, the highlight of which is finding some weird black rock of some sort with seemingly magical properties. Soon enough, however, Leah has to move away, and the pair are separated for decades. A now grown-up Dylan (Breen) has since become a successful novelist, married to Emily (Klara Landrat) with whom he shares several terribly drawn-out conversations full of pregnant pauses and a roller coaster of emotions, which make for a lot of the accidental humour throughout the film. The acting in this is absolutely atrocious, and it doesn't end with these two. Anyway, a car comes along one day and nails Breeny on his beanie, hospitalizing him, but not before he's given what seems to be the same black rock from his childhood by the lady who hit him. Dylan recovers from his injuries real quick, and he believes the mysterious black stone to be responsible for it. In the meantime, he keeps getting harassed by his publisher about his next book which drives him to bouts of anger, severe headaches, fatigue and laptop destruction. If there's one famous takeaway from this movie, it has to be the amount of laptops Dylan wrecks. In fact, just for an idea, here's a little montage I found on YouTube that I kinda hope steers anyone who hasn't watched this yet in the direction of checking it out. With everything, I guess, getting to him, Dylan starts work on NO MORE BOOKS and, instead, uses his hacking abilities to, with a simple series of buzzwords, hack into the government and figure out all of their corporate secrets or... something nonsensical like that, anyway. The point being, he's going to use his skills to uncover deep dark secrets the government has and write an exposé about it. Meanwhile, his wife has gotten pill-happy on prescription medication, leading to bad acting becoming a hell of a lot worse, but also funny. Then there's the other couple in the film, Dylan's best friend, Jim (David Silva) and his wife, Amy (Victoria Viveiros). They have their own whole awful side-story here in which they have marital problems and are constantly arguing, mostly about Jim's alcoholism. But their arguments are, again, accidentally funny as hell with their shared overacting and horrendous dialogue. To be perfectly honest, I have seen school plays with far superior acting and writing, but it all still just adds to what makes this so much fun. Just to add to things, we have a fair share of creepiness going on here with the Breeninator. He seems to have a real thing about wanting to be shot in the nude (without really showing anything). Sometimes it's with his head bandaged up with his wife in the shower, sometimes it's during his nightmares about a book in what looks like a room lined with trash bags. And if that's not enough, he writes about Jim and Amy's underage daughter, Aly (Danielle Andrade) having a crush on him. Thankfully nothing is too overboard, but one can't deny that Neil Breen most definitely gives off a creeper vibe.
The whole thing ends with a completely over-the-top scene that just sort of adds to how off-the-wall Neil Breen's ideas are. Make no mistake, this is one of the worst movies ever created and that's not even up for debate. I would even say that it's on par with the quality of 'The Room' if not actually a little bit worse, if that's even possible. So if you're like me and love a good-bad movie, seek this one out, have a group of friends over and have one of the strangest, but best laughs you've had while watching a movie. 1/5 Right off the bat, I'm going to admit that this one falls under the "guilty pleasure" category for yours truly. It's absolutely not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it's so over the top, silly and even stupid that one can't help but get a good laugh from it. It should also be noted that I'm a sucker for Muppet-like characters, and this film really isn't much of an exception, even if some of these puppet models get super weird, as in nude ducks complete with boobs, which really just adds to the over-the-top hilarity of it all. Perhaps the most important reason as to how this remains a guilty pleasure for me is that it's a film from my childhood. It's further representation of an era when the rating of PG wasn't so strict, and they got away with a bit more - not just duck boobs, but things like language and violence were a bit more tolerated at the time. As a kid, this was one of the first movies I remember fondly as an adventure story from a time when I didn't know the difference between what was good and bad in a movie, and was simply entertained. Bear in mind that I was about 7 or 8 the first time I saw this, and it was something I watched a few times at the time. Nowadays, I watch this and just have a good laugh. It's quite honestly something I'd highly recommend watching as a movie that's "so bad it's good" with a group of friends who can appreciate such things. We can just start at the beginning, where we're introduced to Howard (Chip Zien), living happily on his Duck City planet, where we get to see a whole world of ducks living as human beings do. Some of these visuals are pretty funny, and again, unexpected with things like Duck Boobs (it's just so weird that this visual is a part of things), but it's otherwise punny takes on magazines, books, movies etc. Anyway, Howard takes a seat in his arm chair and is suddenly launched into outer space, and propelled towards Earth, landing in Cleveland, OH. Upon landing, Howard's attacked immediately and runs to hide. But when he encounters a couple of thugs picking on aspiring rock star, Beverly Switzler (Lea Thompson), Howard comes to her rescue, and despite being a little freaked out by an anthropomorphic duck saving her, Beverly invites him to spend the night promising to find answers as to why Howard crash-landed on Earth in the morning. The next day, Howard and Beverly meet up with her friend, an awkward scientist named Phil Blumburtt (Tim Robbins). He's not much help from the get-go, so Howard tries to live on Earth as best he can, helping Beverly with her band "Cherry Bomb" along the way. But eventually, Blumburtt comes back with the reasons as to why Howard was transported to Earth from his home planet, and it's theorized that he can be sent back with the same means. Not to get really heavy into spoiler territory, but a lot of the fun of the movie comes into play during the experiment to get Howard back home, in which the devise they use malfunctions and brings in a dark overlord of the universe which possesses another scientist named Dr. Walter Jenning (Jefferey Jones) and, even though we don't like Jeffery Jones much anymore these days, the results are still actually pretty hilarious, and this pretty much provides Howard with his big baddie, even though its true form isn't there until the end, and it's taken care of pretty easily. While this remains a guilty pleasure for me (and, I'm sure, several others), it's still easy to see why the film is considered so bad by the masses. Truth be told, it's poorly acted on both Thompson's and Robbins' parts to an embarrassing degree, considering both of them are, in fact, great actors. Robbins character, Blumburtt is an awkward and frankly annoying geek type whose line-delivery is enough to make one cringe, and Thompson's character, Beverly comes across as a bubbly bimbo stereotype who, by the way, may have a bit of a thing for ducks - wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Bad acting, however, can easily come down to bad direction, and I'm confident that's the case here, considering this is a George Lucas film. I mean, I love me some 'Star Wars', but as a prime example, we all know Natalie Portman is a much better actress than she appears as Padmé Amidala. The film is also chock full of bad puns, dialogue and it's another example of the "fish out of water" shortcut to adapt a property (as also seen in 'Masters of the Universe' just one year later).
Like it or hate it, it is kinda nice to see that the character is well-received by audiences nowadays as a side character in the MCU. He's evidently a little more spot on to his original comic book form in the MCU as well, and it's good that they've kept him as a cameo character as opposed to a mainstay. Still though, it's just a "me" thing, but there's a part of me that enjoys all the high-strangeness that is this movie - truly awful in all the best ways. 2/5 If one were to ask me what the worst movie I ever saw was, I'd probably still land on 'Garbage Pail Kids' as my definitive answer. But after watching 'The Cat in the Hat' for the first time, I'd have to say the former has some stiff competition. But don't take my word for it. Let's turn to the late Audrey Geisel (the former widow of Dr. Suess himself), who called for a halt on any live-action Dr. Suess movies because of it. While I have a soft spot for 'The Grinch' despite it not being the best movie, I must admit that this was definitely for the best. It's interesting to think that originally, the role of the Cat was supposed to go to Tim Allen, but he couldn't make it work due to scheduling conflicts. The role then went to Mike Myers, fresh off 'Austin Powers 3', so the world still had a place for Myers in their hearts. But upon seeing this, everyone evidently saw it as the beginning of the end for the beloved Canadian actor. And for as much as I like the man's classic works like 'Wayne's World' and, again, 'Austin Powers,' I have to say it's hard not to agree when you realize that his range isn't that far-reaching and it can become sadly annoying after... well, not long at all. Keeping in mind that this is a film adaptation of an otherwise short and simple kid's book, I was actually pretty accepting of the way things start, where we meet the mother of the house, Joan (Kelly Preston), who is preparing to host an office party at her house for the real estate company she works for. But her boss, Hank Humberfloob (Sean Hayes), warns that if things are as messy as they were the last time she hosted anything, she would lose her job. So, I get it. It's a far-reaching scenario for a kid's movie, showing us why the overall mess the Cat eventually causes will have consequences. Meanwhile, we meet the kids from the story, the chaotic and messy Conrad (Spencer Breslin) and the neat and rule-abiding Sally (Dakota Fanning). Conrad is considered such a bad kid here that even Joan's neighbour/boyfriend, Quinn (Alec Baldwin), is anxious to get him shipped off to military school for a bit of well-deserved discipline. We don't necessarily like Quinn in this, but after Conrad mouths off to his mother pretty harshly, we can at least understand where he's coming from. Honestly, Conrad is kind of an ass. To keep the kids from making the place a mess while Joan's away for a day, Joan hires a babysitter, Mrs. Kwan (Amy Hill), who ends up being the most useless babysitter ever since she is asleep through about 95% of the film, and is often used as an inanimate object throughout. At this point, the film isn't necessarily being good, but it's tolerable for what it is. Again, I understand the need for a bit more filler and substance. But we eventually get to the point of the rainy day with nothing to do, which is where the Cat (Myers) comes into play and just sends the film into a nosedive. The Cat introduces himself and does his thing, attempting to show the kids how to have fun. Of course, this leads to the destruction of the house, especially with the introduction to the nightmare-inducing Thing One (Taylor Rice) and Thing Two (Brittany Oaks), who may or may not be more annoying than The Cat, depending on who's watching. Then the film just kind of goes off into its own world and over-complicates a pretty simple story about being careful who you let into your house. The Cat breaks in here instead of coming through the front door, so the lesson is null and void anyway. It turns out that the crate Thing 1 and Thing 2 came from contains a portal to another world which, if let completely loose, will merge the Cat's world with ours and make the ultimate mess. It's all locked by a magic lock that ends up on the family dog's collar; the family dog runs outside, and the kids and the Cat have to chase it to get the lock to prevent catastrophe; it just unravels to all these points it really doesn't need to. This is especially bothersome when the moral of the original story has little to do with learning a lesson about being tidy, which the film seems to focus so heavily on. According to various sources, the main lessons to be learned from the book are about letting strangers into the house, how to make the most of a rainy (or depressing) day, be careful what you wish for, and yes, to clean one's mess. Still, I feel like in the book, that takes a major back seat to other things as to put it simply, the Cat really just cleans up the mess he made after the kids (and the fish, also played by Sean Hayes, whom I haven't even brought up yet) get all pissed off at him for destroying the house.
I can credit this movie for a few things, like how it does the Suess-style opening logos and some of the set design once the crate bursts forth. But it's so full of obnoxious behaviour and jokes that aren't suited to a kid's movie (like the now infamous "dirty hoe" joke), and in turn, it doesn't know who it's for, be it kids or parents looking for nostalgia that they will not get here. It's full of too much extra that takes away from a classic book. Myers is just mugging and ad-libbing terribly the entire time, and the jokes fall completely flat. If you've ever wondered what it's like to watch a sugar rush on screen, this is probably it. 1/5 |