 I do love checking out a film that's "so bad, it's good", but (and this is weird to say) sometimes they don't quite deliver the entertainment factor as much as I wish they did. I tend to enjoy these for the laughs, and more often than not, they just plain don't deliver in their hilarity. They're just plain bad. But then, once in a while, we get something like 'Birdemic: Shock and Terror'; a movie that's so incredibly bad that basically every scene is a new laugh. It's what I like to call "Room-Level Quality", in reference to perhaps the most famous of its type. For something to be dubbed "Room-Level Quality", it doesn't take a whole hell of a lot. Low budget, bad acting, bad special effects, bad editing, bad dialogue, bad music... the list goes on, but we can consider those a sort of "bare minimum". Thankfully, 'Birdemic' actually has all of that and then some. It's quite easily one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life, BUT, it's also something I could watch again and again, introducing people to it who may not have seen it. This was one that I laughed all the way through with, and it definitely strikes me as one I want to watch again and again, looking for whatever little stupid things I can find within it. What really caught my attention, though, was the realization that this has two sequels, and the films somehow apparently get worse as they go... this only means, of course, that I'll be seeking them out to review in the future. If they are half as fun as this was, it'll be worth it. But, keeping focus here, 'Birdemic: Shock and Terror' might be the single best example of one of these "bad movies" accidentally becoming some sort of after-school special about environmental awareness. It's laughable how much this film goes into how good it is to live green that it covers everything from global warming to driving hybrid cars to eating seaweed, and it even goes out of the way to name-drop 'An Inconvenient Truth' as a "good movie".  Now, before I get into this, I should warn everyone that I might spoil a thing or two about the plot. The good news, however, is that there really isn't much to spoil. The basic story behind what we're here to see is that one day, a bunch of CG birds attack a small town (some evidently equipped with airplane engines). I guess it's meant to take its inspiration from 'The Birds', but the catch here is that the bird attacks look so insanely ridiculous, using copy-and-paste bird animations (that even glitch on occasion) over scenes of people struggling against what is very clearly nothing at all... but that's the good part of the movie, and it only starts about halfway through. Before all of that (and after a drastically slow credit roll) we meet Rod (Alan Bagh), a successful software salesman who eventually bumps into his old classmate, Nathalie (Whitney Moore), a "Victoria's Secret" model to be. So yeah, the first half-hour or so is pretty much just us watching them get to know each other, date, and eventually do the deed while staying at a hotel. During this time, however, it's beyond entertaining watching their exchanges. The script comes across as though a child wrote it, and the acting comes across as similar to that of a middle-school play.  While these two lovebirds are getting to know each other, and we continue to laugh along, we do begin to wonder where the hell this movie got its namesake. The only thing we really get for the first half of the movie is that in the background, unexplained fires, and dead birds, among other strange things start popping up. Then, if you're still with the film after they sleep together, the film just pulls a pin on a grenade, and out of absolutely nowhere, birds start attacking the town. The visuals of this whole event are probably what the film is best-known for at this point, but my god, it is laugh-out-loud hilarious - especially with the notion that it was kinda sorta supposed to be taken seriously. Eventually, Rod and Nathalie come across an ex-Marine named Ramsey (Adam Sessa) and his girlfriend Becky (Catherine Batcha) as well as two children who have lost their parents in the bird attacks, Susan (Janae Caster) and Tony (Colton Osborne). They rally together to survive these bird attacks as they picnic out in the open and have a discussion with some random old man about the effects global warming has had on these birds. Yes, folks. These birds spit acid and explode when they crash because of global warming. I know, it makes all the sense in the world, but it's details like that, that make this movie so damn much fun to watch.  If you are a fan of "Bad Movies", the likes of 'The Room' and 'Troll 2', please do yourself a favour and check this one out if you haven't yet. This is another one where it's almost best to get a group together to watch it because it is such a fun time. It's ironic that nothing really happens until halfway through the movie, but the first half is quite honestly just as entertaining due to the dialogue and bad acting, among other glitches in the editing. Even before anything happens at all, the movie is making you laugh with the overuse of the same musical loop during the opening credits.
This is one of those bad movies that I actually have to give a pass to because, hell, it's just plain entertaining. This is the kind of fun-time movie I can easily recommend to anyone who loves a good bad movie, and I personally consider it a new favourite in that category. The thing is a complete dumpster fire, but it belongs in the high rankings of movies like it. To a mainstream audience, it's certainly one of the worst movies ever made. But to the niche audience of bad movie fans like me, it's just another guilty pleasure we're glad got to see the light of day if only to entertain us so accidentally! Check it out, and have a good time! 3/5
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 So, this is either a really good thing or a really bad thing for this "Bad Movie Review", but I have to confess that I've never actually seen the original John Carpenter/Deborah Hill collaboration. In some ways, that sucks, as I have nothing to compare it to. I don't know how close this represents it either - what they got right, what they screwed up, etc. In some ways though, it's good, because I can say with certainty that this movie does a good job of being bad on its own, without the need for any sort of comparison. This was one I caught in theaters when it was released, and I can remember coming out of it thinking it was a pile of junk then, too. Although, I will say that I started this whole concept of bad movie reviews fairly loosely with this set of three bad horror movies. This will be made up for as these reviews keep going because I think I went with "forgettable bad" over "classically bad". But I digress. All of this considered, this is still a stinker, and even though I admit to not having seen the original from 1980, I can still safely recommend that version over this one, if only because it's considered a bit of a Carpenter classic. On the fictional island of Antonio, off the coast of Oregon, the small community is preparing to unveil a statue which commemorates its founding fathers. Meanwhile, Nick Castle (Tom Welling) and his friend Spooner (DeRay Davis) disturb a couple of underwater artifacts that seemingly set things into motion - namely a pocket watch and a hairbrush. These artifacts once belonged to a ship known as the Elizabeth Dane, which we only really know burns in the beginning. The rest of the history of the ship's fate unveils itself as the film unfolds, as it's all part of the grand mystery.  Sticking to the main part of the story and trying not to spoil any details of this story (if anyone even cares), Nick soon meets up with his former girlfriend, Elizabeth Williams (Maggie Grace), who has come back after being away for six months for some reason. They hit it off immediately again, despite the fact that Nick tries picking her up on the side of the road, thinking she's just some sexy hitchhiker. Eventually, the aforementioned pocket watch is given to Elizabeth by the film's harbinger of doom, Machen (R. Nelson Brown), and the hairbrush is found by young Andy Wayne - son of the local radio host, Stevie Wayne (Selma Blair). It's not long before things start going weird. A thick fog seems to be the source of it all, but the film is full of unexplainable phenomena that get a lot of funny and/or weird reactions. For example, in a scene involving Elizabeth sitting in a chair with water droplets falling on her from the ceiling, it seems clear that ghostly footprints are appearing above her head. A creepy situation, sure, but her reaction is far more that of a clueless person who can't seem to wrap her head around the concept of moving. Furthermore, no part of her seems scared, and the scene just comes across as incredibly bland when it's meant to be scary.  There is just a lot of bad going on here, and so much of it comes from all three major culprits of acting, writing and direction. At the end of the day, these are the things that are probably most important to telling a good on-screen story. All of it is pretty weak here, and the whole thing comes off as much more of a late-night made-for-TV thriller than the apparent classic the 1980 version was. You've also got actors here that simply don't compare to the original portrayals of these characters. I mean, scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis vs Maggie Grace? Cult horror legend, Tom Atkins vs Tom Welling? Slasher film birth-giver Janet freaking Leigh vs Sara Botsford? There's no contest here. Even having said all of that, I have still read numerous times, something along the lines of this being a bad remake of a film that's really "just okay". I have a feeling I could join the originals' cult following rather easily the more I read about it, but if the general consensus is that the original is a bit of a middle-ground horror, that should speak volumes as to how rough this flick really is. It seemed to get a mild pass upon its release, but I can't say I'm surprised at not being able to find it to stream anywhere (I found it to rent on YouTube). As mentioned earlier, it's just plain forgettable. I feel like if the original didn't exist, this would have had an even shorter lifespan.  Now, I will defend the film in just a couple of aspects. For one, the score is half-decent. It does a good job of adding some creepiness to the atmosphere of things. It's well done in its subtlety, using ominous tones to set the mood. But even having said that, and again without having seen the original, there's no comparison to the awesomeness that is the original score. Carpenter definitely had a knack for delivering a good creepy soundtrack. So once again, when it comes to old vs new, I think the old takes it. Another aspect of the film I have to give it credit for is the visual effects... even if sometimes the fog machine they're using is far too obvious.
The ghouls look pretty cool here, and the film's use of silhouettes is nice and creepy. We also get visuals of an old, haunted clipper ship that are pretty effective. I wouldn't say it's "visually stunning", but you can kind of tell where the budget for this thing went. However, visuals and music are just not enough to save it. In truth, all re-watching this made me think of was why I wasn't finally giving the original a proper chance. That'll happen eventually, but first I'll need to wash the bad taste this one left, out of my mouth. It's definitely one of the lamest horror movies of the 21st century... which says a lot. 1/5 |
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