The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

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A few years ago, I thought one of the more fun projects I could do to kill some of that awful time period was a page on bad movies. The page has since been reformatted into "The Rubbish Bin", whose name was inspired by this hunk of nasty junk, right here. This is the film I would personally claim to be "THE worst film of ALL time!" Movies like 'The Room', 'Manos', 'Plan 9', 'Fateful Findings' and 'Troll 2' - every single one of them has been given the title at some point, but at the very least, they're ENTERTAINING. They make us laugh about how silly they are.

'Garbage Pail Kids' is this uber-fascinating type of bad that actually has to be seen to be believed. And even in saying that, I'm telling all of my readers, straight up, that this is a complete and total waste of time. It's an hour and a half better spent watching literally ANYTHING else, including bad movies that you know are bad that run longer. The only way to watch this at all is with a group of friends who collectively appreciate bad movies, and just roast it the entire time. With that said, and without any further adieu, let's take the lid off this here trash can and dig around.

The first thing to cover is that this is based on the Topps trading cards of the 80s that attempted to cash in on the Cabbage Patch Doll craze of the time. See, there was something about being an 80s kid (and into the early 90s) with gross-out stuff. We had things like literal "Ooze" for our 'Ninja Turtles' and "Slime" for our 'Ghostbusters', and even toys that were quite literally just goo, like "Gak" and "Flubber". The more we could drive our parents nuts with this stuff, the more we loved it. It was like some weird forbidden fruit, and the 'Garbage Pail Kids' were no exception. They may not have actually made a physical mess on Mom's living room rug, but they were edgy as well as gross, and still not exactly a "hit" with parents at the time.

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We kick things off with opening credits, followed by a short "WTF did I just watch" scene, and then things finally begin as we see a kid named Dodger (Mackenzie Astin) being chased by four older bullies through a park; Juice (Ron MacLachlan), his girlfriend, Tangerine (Katie Barberi), Wally (J.P. Amateau) and Blythe (Marjory Graue), setting up our over-the-top villains. By the way, throughout the movie, Dodger has a massive crush on Tangerine to the point of absolute stalker-style creepiness. Kids - don't do anything Dodger does in this movie. He is not a role model. Anyway, the bullies dump him in a puddle, so he heads to Captain Manzini's (Anthony Newley) shop of oddities, where he works, to get himself cleaned up.

​Manzini warns Dodger to stay away from a mysterious trash can, which could be a "Pandora's Box" of sorts. When Manzini leaves, Dodger spots Tangerine, and calls her in to take a look at things. To no one's surprise, this pisses Juice off, and the bullies come in, to rough Dodger up again. The fight knocks the garbage can over, and eventually, the Garbage Pail Kids (at least the ones shown in this movie) soon come to Dodger's aid. They revive him, and while anyone else in the known world would have woken up screaming in terror, Dodger simply asks "what are you guys?" and just kind of accepts that they exist.

One by one, we are introduced to these Garbage Pail Kids, each with their own unique feature. We have a terrible Italian stereotype named Greaser Greg (Phil Fondacaro); the snot-loaded Messy Tessie (Susan Rossitto); Hawaiian shirt-wearing fart-master, Windy Winston (Arturo Gil); The able-to-puke-on-demand Valerie Vomit (Debbie Lee Carrington); an absolutely terrifying, nightmare-inducing baby with bad breath named Foul Phil (Bobby Bell); an acne riddle, pants-wetting fanboy named Nat Nerd (Larry Green); and an anthropomorphic alligator aptly named Ali Gator (Kevin Thompson), who's apparently the "leader" here (according to Manzini).

Together, the kids and up "helping" Dodger by sewing garments meant for a fashion show that Tangerine is attending. This will ultimately be Dodger's way to get her attention. However, if the kids are discovered, they may have to get captured and taken to the State Home for the Ugly. This is where people too ugly for society are jailed, and eventually exterminated. This includes people who are "too crippled", "too fat", "too old", "too skinny", "too bald" and more. I mean... Good God, that is some mean-spirited shit. The stupidest part about it? This is supposed to be for kids. There's even a sing-along they do about working together!

While these damned atrocities are out of their god-forsaken trash can, the only thing they really do is cause a bunch of shit! They run over someone's car with a truck involving more impossible physics than the 'Fast & Furious' movies; they go to a movie, won't shut the hell up, run around the theater and steal people's food; two of them go to a bar that is literally called "The Toughest Bar in the World" just to start a brawl; Ali Gator won't stop trying to eat people's toes. They're kinda like Gremlins, except here, they are supposed to be our heroes, along with the kid who's using them to impress his fiercest bully's girlfriend - who treats him like absolute crap by the way.

This movie is loaded with contradictions to its underlying messages. "Be proud of who you are, and embrace your differences" is what they were trying to go for... But these are f*cking horrible kids! "Be you" does not include stealing people's food and disrupting everyone's 'Three Stooges' film! "Be you" does not translate to "Go into that bar and start biting toes and punching folks"! This is one of the single worst experiences one can have with a movie. It's not even ironically funny. It's just gross, mean-spirited, and completely contradictory to what it's trying to convey. There are some films out there whose quality matches their title, and this is most definitely one of them.

1/5