 Let me start this one off by putting my cards on the table and fully admitting that I know basically nothing about this series. I've never once picked up one of these games, and my peers have often wondered how that was possible, as it's a franchise that seems right up my alley. Regardless, this means that while watching the movie, I wasn't trying to point out everything wrong about the adaptation. As far as I'm concerned, this could be a carbon copy of the game's story - I have no clue. Having said all that, however... this movie is still pretty bad.
Taking place on Planet Pandora (not to be confused with the one from 'Avatar'), the film opens as a rogue merc soldier named Roland (Kevin Hart) takes a teen known as "Tiny Tina" (Ariana Greenblatt) out of a holding cell with the help of Krieg (Florian Munteanu), a "Psycho," which are mostly here to be "bad guys" with little to no explanation behind them. According to the games, they have gone insane with obsession over "The Vault," where the secrets of Pandora's lost civilization's advanced technology are kept. It turns out that Tina may be the key to opening said vault, and Roland's motivation is for her protection. On some other planet, bounty hunter, Lilith (Cate Blanchett) is contacted by a powerful corporate magnate named Atlas (Edgar Ramírez), who convinces her to go to Pandora and seek out Tina, who happens to be his daughter, not as a bounty hunt but a rescue attempt. Once Lilith reaches Pandora, she gets a bit of help from a robot named Claptrap (Jack Black), who is far, far more irritating than we all want Jack Black to be. He's meant to be the comic relief here, and just about everything falls flat. The jokes are more for kids here. Anyway, eventually Lilith and Claptrap meet up with Tina, who won't go quietly, under the assumption Lilith is bringing her in for a bounty. It's not long before Roland and Krieg come into play, we find out Atlas is crooked (as if it wasn't predictable), and they all end up working as a team that is trying far too hard to be the 'Guardians of the Galaxy'. Eventually they also get help from Lilith's estranged foster mother, Dr. Patricia Tannis (Jamie Lee Curtis), and even she feels kinda tacked on, just so they could complete a character list. The film essentially becomes one big escort mission, as the unlikely team forms around Tina's protection so she can't be used for all the wrong reasons. As if it's not already stealing a lot of atmosphere from 'Guardians', and again, not knowing anything about the underlying plots of these games, the whole "protecting the chosen one" plot line is ripped right out of 'The Last of Us'. To be 100% fair, even then it wasn't an entirely original concept, but it does feel like Eli Roth looked at the TV series, said "that idea works," and rolled with it. One of the most criminal things about this movie is its rating. This thing is a PG-13 title (PG up here in the Great White North) and it's based on a solid M-rated series, thus taking a gigantic step backwards for video game adaptations, be it theatrical or streaming. It's a genre that was finally beginning to see some light, and then this thing came along and knocks it all onto its ass. For God's sake, 'Deadpool' set this R-rated bar for adaptations ages ago! Eli Roth, a master of gory, torture porn horror directed this M-rated movie with NO R-rating, which also gives adaptations in general a gigantic step backwards. Usually, if I get to see something everyone else is panning that I'm unfamiliar with, I tend to give it a little leeway. But with everything I mentioned before, along with a star-studded cast of disappointing, non-fleshed out characters, bad writing, pacing that moves way too fast, action sequences that seem almost thrown in just because "action is cool" (Michael Bay style) and a lot of telling as opposed to showing, with Blachett's narration, it's hard to give this any kind of pass. Honestly, it just left me happy that I wasn't more disappointed in it as a game adaptation with my unfamiliarity. These game adaptations can do better! 1/5
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