Dungeons & Dragons

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Film Negatives

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This was another one of those films I saw in the theater based on its title, as by that time, I had at least some familiarity with the game, taking part in campaigns with friends. I have never been an expert, and generally need help to build efficient characters (I dub myself the perpetual noob of the group, in good fun), but figured "hey, this looks like it could be fun". In my defense, this was way before I took "cash-in" movies for what they were. But dammit, it worked, and it got my money. Luckily, however, it wasn't altogether successful despite a solid cast, and trying to be 'Lord of the Rings' which obviously did not even come close to panning out.

The empire of Izmer, ruled is ruled by the Mages. Meanwhile, the common people are pretty much just slaves and peasants. The young empress, Savina (Thora Birch), wants equality for all, but the evil Mage, Profion (Jeremy Irons) wants to use his newfound control over dragons to dethrone the empress, and take over. He further wants to take away the empress' scepter before she comes of age to use it, and enforce her will of peace and equality across the land. Because that's a bad thing, I suppose.

Her council, Azmath, then informs her of the Rod of Savrille which will give her control over red dragons if she can get her hands on it, putting Profion at a great disadvantage. Profion gets word of this, and soon seeks the Rod of Savrille, himself. With control over Red Dragons, nothing can really stop him from taking over. But it's super weird how the council just goes with the idea of the empire being ruled by a dragon-controlling asshat, set in his ways OVER the concept of peace and equality across the land.

Meanwhile, two commoners, Ridley Freeborn (Justin Whalin), and Snails (Marlon Wayans) plan to break into the Magic School during a fiery distracton (worst... CG effect... ever!) in order to get their hands on some magic stuff, and hopefully give the Mages some payback for how they're treated. Somehow they break into the powerful school run by powerful Mages, and they bump into a student Mage named Marina (Zoe McLellan), who takes them to the streets where they bump into a dwarf named Elwood Gutworthy (Lee Arenberg) who joins them for no particular reason, and their adventure begins. They soon find themselves trying to lay low from Profion and his Crimson Brigade, led by Damodar (Bruce Payne) as well as an Elf named Norda (Kristen Wilson), who works for Savina, trying to arrest the group for what they stole at the Magic School.

Needless to say, the idea of a 'Dungeons & Dragons' movie in general is pretty damn weird. I wouldn't say the game is a passion of mine, or even a favorite past time, but I do dabble, and have a lot of fun with it when I do. I dabble enough to recognize that there's no one linear story to follow, and this movie took the game's most incredibly basic concepts and gave us the bare minimum of what it could have been. It's almost like they made the movie, were gonna name it something else, but jokingly called it their 'Dungeons & Dragons' movie.

I have a few strong criticisms here aside from a minimal plot, but where to begin? Irons overacts while Birch looks like she doesn't even wanna be there; we're supposed to care about annoying characters who get killed off, when secretly we might want them to get killed off; the CG effects are atrocious, and have only aged since their already dated appearance; the dwarf fits the game's stereotype more than he's an actual character, and is just embarrassing to watch while there's NO reason for him to even exist other than to add a D&D race; it leaves on a cliffhanger you know it has no chance of picking up on... the list is pretty damn huge. OH, and it's insulting with a lot of its dialogue. Paraphrasing one example: "children think with their hearts, not their minds".

This is a movie I can safely say is just really bad with no regrets in saying it. If you imagine the most basic D&D campaign possible, with the most one-note characters possible, that's more or less what you get here. It could probably be argued that it's meant for people who were unfamiliar with it, trying to pull them in. The problem is, the only way to get someone interested in D&D is to sit down and have an ACTUAL game with them. In the ends, it seemingly cashed in on the success of 'Star Wars' (the empress IS Queen Amidala, basically) and 'Lord of the Rings' (very similar in its aesthetic), giving us a weak story that isn't even enough to be considered ironically funny... that is unless you count Iron's overacting, which does get laughable at points. But my overall recommendation is to just avoid it altogether, as it can't hold a candle to the real game with a good Dungeon Master.

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