Santa's Slay (2005)

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This film is beyond ridiculous when you get right down to it, but I can't lie, there's a big part of me that really enjoys it, despite how stupid it is. It's not even that it's "so bad it's good," where they were trying to make something of substance and failed miserably. I never took this seriously, nor should anyone watching it; something most people can get from the lead, Jewish pro wrestler, Bill Goldberg, playing the role of Santa Claus, a Christian figure. And that's just the icing on the Christmas cake.

The film tells you exactly what it is in the opening scene, as the viewer realizes that the over-the-top craziness within it, complete with decent celebrity cameos, is what to expect for the rest of the film. Put simply, a family gets together for a dysfunctional family Christmas dinner when Santa comes down their chimney and kills everyone in gory, holiday-related ways, using holiday-related puns. It is quite a combination of stupid and awesome all at once when you fully realize that the film is going to be absolutely ridiculous. If you don't make it past this first scene, turn it off, because it doesn't get "better."

Meanwhile, Nicholas Yuleson (Douglas Smith), who lives with his grandfather (Robert Culp), learns, upon asking his grandfather why he hates Christmas, that it is because of "The Book of Klaus," a seemingly ancient tome that tells the "real" story of Santa Claus. The result of a virgin birth, and the offspring of Satan, Santa used Christmas as a "Day of Slaying" until the year 1005 A.D., when an angel beat Santa in a curling match, the losing result being to have to deliver presents and joy to children around the world for the next thousand years. Now, in present-day 2005, his sentence has been lifted, and he's free to slay again.

Going back to Santa, he continues to terrorize "Hell Township" along with his gigantic "Hell Deer." Not only do we see him attack a Jewish deli, the irony of which Bill Goldberg actually seemed to enjoy, but he also takes on a strip club, because let's face it, no movie like this is complete without a bit of skin. Perhaps strangely, I feel like I can almost make a comparison, at least spiritually, between this and the library of 'Duke Nukem' games. The humour and violence take centre stage, while the horror elements remain present but pushed to the back.

In case you couldn't tell, it's only a matter of time until Nicholas, his unnamed grandfather, and his love interest, Mary "Mac" Mackenzie (Emilie de Ravin) find themselves face-to-face with a Santa Claus that's far more reminiscent of Robot Santa from 'Futurama' than any other version of the jolly old gift-giver. They must refer to the "Book of Klaus" for any clues on how to beat him, or else, wait for midnight to strike on Christmas Night so that he can't use his powers anymore. A regular Bill Goldberg could still completely mess up a couple of teenagers, but let's face it, logic is not why we're here.

If the absurdity of what I've described isn't enough to pique your curiosity, I mentioned that there are a decent number of celebrity cameos throughout the film that might shock the average viewer. Names like Dave Thomas (that's 'Bob & Doug' Dave Thomas), Saul Rubinek, Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, and even an uncredited James Caan are all a part of this crazy "slay ride." In a word, even considering everything I've said about it so far, this movie is "fascinating" when one considers everything wrapped up in the final product. Although words like "stupid," "ridiculous," or "unique" are all perfectly valid descriptions as well.

For as much praise as I'm giving the movie, however, it would be almost irresponsible of me not to say that while it's something that hits my tastes pretty well, for the most part, this is seen as a terrible movie, and it's perfectly understandable as to why, especially for those who have a true love of Christmas. This one comes recommended by yours truly as a solid Christmas comedy-above-horror for those who sort of allow Christmas to come and go, or indeed, the fair share of Grinches & Scrooges out there, because the only real heart you'll find here might be one Goldberg tears out of one of his victims.

3/5

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